Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Struggles - Oh I Hate Struggles


I have been entirely struggling lately. Seriously there is little in my life that isn't driving me batty right now. I feel like my flesh is entirely willing to make changes in my life but at the same time it is beyond weak. Sometimes I feel like I am treading water with a suitcase on my head. My ship isn't sinking, but I am afraid it is sailing away without me. I don't want that. I want to move forward in my life. I want to take positive steps and improve, learn, and grow.

One of the things I would like to work on is my relationship with God. I feel like I am missing out. I want to be one of those ladies who can get up early and take some time alone to study God's word, but I am sooooo tired. And even if I do get myself up. What do I study? How do these lovely ladies know where to begin. It isn't like I haven't read the Bible. I want to go beyond that. I want to go beyond just reading my Bible. I want to have recall, perspective, and I want to see how His word applies to my life. I want to get it. I want to share it. I want to live it. Truly I just don't know where to begin. I keep praying that maybe God would just give me a quick pop on the forehead and I would at least know where to begin.

Now my prayer life is pretty good. Notice I didn't say great, but I at least do pray and communicate with God. Prayer for me has always been just a conversation with my Heavenly Father, and it has always been good. I have seen God work through my prayer life. Again though, I want to go further. For one I want to pray more effectively for my son and my husband. I want to be more consistent in praying for others.

Okay, I am off of the spiritual struggle and onto my least favorite. WEIGHT. BLECH. Oh how I hate my weight. I have ballooned in weight since I got married. The first six to eight months were fine. Then things began to change. It wasn't until we got all the symptoms figured out that I realized I had thyroid problems, but it didn't and doesn't matter to me. I have still gained over 40 pounds (yep) in about two years. That is crazy! That is the nightmare of hypothyroidism. On the bright side, I have an endocrinologist who is working with me, and at least some of the icky symptoms are lessening. My skin is not as dry. I am not exhausted all the time. My nails are growing again. My vision is improving. And I am not living in a pool of depression. Now I just need to work on the weight.

Weight is a struggle too. Weight has always been a struggle. The battle has only changed. When I was younger I watched my mom, grandma and aunts all drink Tab and Diet 7 Up. They consistently were on diets. I learned at a pretty early age that thin was in and being a grown woman meant being on a diet. I felt proud of myself when I could drink a very grown up drink like Tab. I had arrived. I suffered from anorexia in high school and college. I eventually went through treatment and came out on the other side fairly level headed, but with a tendency to overdo working out and watching what I ate. When I had my son, all that took a back seat (at least the overkill). I ate right and was quite active. I was a very fit 123 when I got married four days after my 40th birthday.

Now I am overweight. Combine that with thinning hair (what a fabulous hypothyroid treat!) I never thought I would weigh this much without the help of a baby in my belly. I am not looking to go back to 123 though I wouldn't mind. I just want to lose the weight that my hypothryoidism assisted. I am making steps though. Weight loss steps are some of the easier steps to make. They aren't as effective as they were when I wasn't hypothryoid, but I can definitely do something.

Did I just jump around too much?

Another struggle is blogging. I want to blog more so I can get these issues met. Accountability is really a great way to go. I do think blogging will help me. I need it to help me. This is my mini lifeline right now. This is how I will be measuring my struggles until I hit some success.

I haven't figured out how I will meet all my goals and conquer the things I want to conquer. One thing I am doing is reading Lysa Terkeurst's book Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl. Mind you, I don't think I am a good Bible study girl. I am a pretty rotten Bible study girl. I love Lysa's devotionals from Proverbs 31 Ministries Daily Devotions. I like how she takes the Word and makes it make sense to me. I like how she applies it to life. I figure that even if I am not a good Bible study girl, Lysa can maybe help me get there. We'll see. :) I am hoping to finish the book by the end of this month so I can begin September with a new Bible studying attitude.

The rest of my struggles I'll address later. :)

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